A seed is blown on the wind, plants itself in the soil, germinates, flowers, and dies.

The earth spins on its axis and makes a journey around the sun.

A baby girl is born, rebels in her teens, settles into adulthood and has her own child, matures through middle age, gradually stoops into old age, and dies with her grandchildren around her.

A glacier is formed, melts, and forms again.

These things all happen faster than my computer on a day when I'm in a rush to get a lot done.

Or maybe it just feels that way.

Tags: annoyances, work

Dear Lancôme,

I've been a faithful customer for several years now. I started out slow, with a lipstick here and an eyeliner there, but in the end you got me. I tried many other brands and I always ended up back with you because our chemistry was undeniable. You didn't make me break out with an allergic rash or itch uncontrollably, and even better, you knocked it out of the park with foundations that matched my skin tone just right. True, I was dubious over the years as your newest product replaced the older one I was used to. However, it always turned out right in the end, so I've shrugged my shoulders and gone with your latest trends. In turn, you never let me down.

Recently, one of your representatives broke the news to me that, once again, the foundation I'd come to know and love would be discontinued. It seemed to me that it wasn't that long ago that Photôgenic replaced another foundation, so it was curious to me that you were giving up on this one so soon. But I figured you had your reasons and I trusted you; I decided I'd have to get over my reluctance and go with the flow. I gave in and bought your latest endeavor, Color Ideal.

Turns out, this foundation isn't all that ideal. To start with, whoever told you that dispensing foundation via a little pump that, thanks to its squat design, squirts the product onto the bottle and not the customer was out of his or her mind. I would've thought you might have double checked that math on that, you being an expert in the field of make up and all, but I suppose everyone makes a mistake sometime. I might - *might*, mind you - be able to live with the terrible design on the packaging if what was inside knocked my socks off. Sadly, this foundation does not.

In fact, whatever the opposite of sock-knocking is, that's what this product does for me. As I put it on - struggling to get just the right amount out of the bottle, mind you, which is never a problem with an open-topped bottle one can readily use with one's fingers - I waver between thinking I look like a jaundice victim (very yellow) and a stage actress who's applying that extra layer of spackle in order to project some color out into the 10th row (let's call it "unnatural" looking on my skin and leave it at that). After careful use of a wipe to remove half of what I've just applied plus a generous powdering, things calm back down and resume looking more or less normal. The killer, though, the absolute topper, is how a few hours later this foundation, instead of blending more into my skin as time passes like your foundations always have in the past, appears to be rejected by it and stand alone, hovering somewhere just north of my face. It's as though I'm walking out of a steam room and whatever is on my skin is preparing to slide right off. How is this even possible?

In short, Lancôme, you've really let me down. Even if I could somehow manage to get a more "ideal" color to match my skin tone out of this line of foundation, these other qualities I've described are the kind of thing one expects to find in a brand that costs about 1/8th of what you charge. If that's what I wanted, believe me, I'd be far happier achieving it with all that extra money left over in my wallet when I was done.

I won't say I'm giving up on you, but I think it's safe to say I'm ready to give up on this particular foundation. It's awful. Truly and terribly awful. If you could get me a supply of Photôgenic (Buff 5(c)) that will last until you come to your senses and get it back together, I'd be glad to put this all behind us and consider it a small hiccup in what has been a beautiful friendship. Other than that, I don't know what you can do to make me happy, though I hope you come up with something because I think it would be a terrible shame for us to go our separate ways after all these years.

Yours (or at least I was),

fiveandfour

Tags: annoyances

I'm sure you can imagine any number of instances where the business world has taken a word or phrase and twisted its meaning so that it can be used in a way having almost no resemblance to its original meaning. Or a meaning close enough to the original meaning that it confuses the general public into thinking this new meaning was what that word was about all along. Or a meaning that has no actual meaning at all when you really stop and think about it.

My latest annoyance in this vein is with the word "methodology". Up until a few years ago, I would've thought everyone would agree that this means "study of the method" or perhaps even "theory of the method". This is a perfectly legitimate meaning when, for example, a specific result is desired and one must evaluate the pros and cons of different methods that have been proposed for achieving that result.

In the business world, however, it seems that "methodology" has come to mean nothing more than "method". Why, then, the sudden and inexplicable addition of "-ology"? It makes me wonder how and why this particular corruption got started. I have a client that uses "methodology" all of the time, even though they mean "study of the method" only half of the time. Whenever possible, I've been changing written documents and verbally using "method" in the appropriate places - doing my part to stick a finger in the dyke, maybe get something in there subconsciously that'll help stem the tide.

Could be the flood is on its way regardless and I'll be fuming in vain for the rest of my days about this ridiculous addition of "-ology", but I'm compelled to try anyway. It may even be there are several other words and phrases that are more dire and more concerning that have popped up during the past couple of years while I've watched "methodology" take over.

But oh well. One must do what one must do. I only know I must do my part to let "-ology" go back to being a suffix with some meaning and not just a few extra letters tacked onto a word.

Tags: annoyances, words

This morning on my way to the park and ride I experienced this behavior:

The van ahead of me approached an intersection where the light was green. He (it was a contractor's van, so I'm going with "he") started braking. The light turned yellow, he let off the brake and lurched forward, as if thinking he'd go for it. Just after the jolt forward was the quick brake to stop. Thus I got stuck at one of the longest lights around town and missed the bus I was rushing to meet.

Methinks talking on a cell phone was likely involved in that little bit of WTF? behavior.

I drove to work and was reminded not just by Mr. Van, but by many other drivers as well, just why I hate driving to work. I much prefer the bus. Honestly. I don't understand why anyone would want to deal with things like people stopping at green lights, pedestrians rushing into a busy street - not! at the crosswalk, mind you - waving a right arm as if that's a charm that'll prevent being struck and/or a spell that'll induce drivers to want to stop randomly instead of continuing on at 35 mph, people coming into a lane without a signal or even a look back over the shoulder, and the various other bits of ass-hattery I observed on my commute today. I much prefer letting someone else deal with all of that while I read or stare out the window.

Of course, riding the bus on a regular basis does mean that at least 4 times per week I have to hear a cell phone conversation (a long and loud one, natch) I'd really prefer not to hear. Plus there will be those days when the bus will be late. Or worse, early. But on balance, those are minor inconveniences in comparison with the alternative.

Why are the roads so clogged with people so eager to hop in a vehicle and get out there to experience such random and weird behaviors? I understand that there is a certain percentage of people who are actually working while driving around and I understand there's another percentage of people for whom the bus or public transport just won't do it. But I'm pretty convinced that still leaves the larger share of people who prefer to be conscious of every stop and start in traffic, who like getting cut off, who don't mind watching people illegally use the shoulders of the road to get ahead while they do the right thing and sit there, who find it an adventure to miss the exit because people won't let them over in time to catch it.

Once again I'm out of step with the larger culture I'm living in.

( And on an unrelated topic, a reminder for myself re: Gilgamesh... )

Tags: annoyances, books

Argh: am having an allergic reaction this morning to...I don't know what. While in the shower I realized I was starting to itch all over. I've taken an allergy pill and am waiting for the few hives I have to go away and for the itching to stop, but GAH is it frustrating. Makes me want to jump out of my skin.

Yay: I made some raspberry jam the other day out of that flat of berries the husband brought home. There are 6 half-pints awaiting our pleasure (I realized just before starting that the big, tall pot I used before is gone, and the pots we have now can't accommodate a full pint sized jar...so half pints it was.) I used a recipe that doesn't call for pectin, which, according to the accompanying blurb, meant that it required less sugar than other recipes. The jam is kinda' thick. But tastes very good. I suppose so long as we either warm it up a touch to make it more spreadable or always use it on piping hot toast or pancakes we won't notice the thickness so much. I wonder if the thickness doesn't mean I over-cooked it since the timing was vague on when to stop that part of the process. Oh well, since it tastes good I won't worry too much about it. Now I'm thinking of the next thing I can make jam or jelly out of. Or syrup...how does one make, say, raspberry or blueberry syrup? Boy do I love summer foods!

Tags: annoyances, cooking

You know how some people have that certain something about their voice which makes it carry straight from their mouths right to the place in your brain that registers that particular sort of pain you feel when you hit your funny bone? My office seems to have a ridiculously large number of those people. Statistically speaking, from past experience, I should be encountering such people at a rate of about 1 in 1,000. I've got 2 of them right next to me, one to my right and the other to my left.

Both of them have voices so special that when I sit in this one office with the door closed, 4 OFFICES AWAY, I can still hear every word they say over and above the things being discussed in that closed-door office.

I've been working on developing the psychological version of a thick skin, doing my best to tune them out so I can concentrate. Sometimes, though, it just doesn't work. My shields must be low today or something because I swear I'm going out of my mind with an ice pick of pain stabbing at my brain. And the theme from Psycho makes a nice hellish accompaniment to the pain, I must say, and it's so lovely frustrating how it seems to accompany the pain without any conscious thought on my part.

Send help. Before it's too late and I try to do unto others as they're doing unto me, though I'll use a ball point pen instead of my voice and try to recreate that hallway scene from Grosse Point Blank.

Tags: annoyances, work