June 27th, 2008

summer reading

I Just Keep Telling Myself it's Almost Over

The colossally intricate and large project I'm doing for work is at its zenith. This is the stage that involves coming in extra early and staying extra late and still panicking that it's not all going to get done by the end of the month. Last night around 9:30 I looked around and realized coming in this week-end was inevitable. As soon as I admitted to myself that there's no way this is getting finished and in the mail on Friday like I really wanted, a weight was lifted. There's still the same amount of work to do, but releasing some of the panic about getting it all done in such a small number of hours made a big difference.

I got home from work around 10:45 pm last night. I was starved, exhausted and wired. So I ate an english muffin, took part of one of my husband's sleeping pills (no way I was getting to sleep without it), talked with my daughter for a while, then crashed. Apparently around 2am I let out a bloodcurdling scream that would do a horror movie proud. My husband bolted out of bed (so he reports) looking for the person being murdered. I guess there were a few bad moments until I calmed back down, but then I dropped back off while he spent the rest of the night awake.

I don't remember a thing about it. I'm a very hard sleeper and have slept through things like a car crash literally right outside my open bedroom window. I woke up this morning on the tail end of a bad dream, though nothing scream-worthy. Until my husband told me why, I was wondering why my throat hurt and was just assuming I'd slept with my mouth open and it got extra dry over night. I find it a little disturbing to realize I could have been so worked up over something and have no conscious memory of it.

Besides the muscles in my neck and upper back feeling tight as a drum I hadn't realized the stress of this was getting to me that much. I've been working out every couple of days, which has been a help. Without that, I think I might've drop kicked someone this week. Though I guess the relief I felt last night consciously still wasn't enough relief to satisfy the subconscious. Anyway, at this point I'm just telling myself it'll all be over soon.

Well, that, and I'm also counting the days until vacation.