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frazzled and bedazzled
Struggling to Get My Brain Online
Am back from the funeral and some weird mixture of being out on a Monday-that-felt-like-a-Sunday and, I don't know, the moon's position in the sky or something, has my brain whizzing around in my head like a 3 year-old on a sugar high.

A combination of avoiding drama and travel to one of the most gawd-awful corners of Oregon meant it had been a lot longer than we realized since we'd been over to see this side of the family for a visit. The week-end was full of those lovely, embarassing moments that happen when you haven't seen people for 15 years and only hear about their lives second-hand and don't see pictures. Such as meeting a cousin and completely mistaking him for the spouse of someone else. (Which was fine because he completely mistook me for my daughter, so we were even. Kinda'. Because I really can't see how he could have taken me for a teen-ager even if he didn't remember me, specifically.)

For the most part, one of the cousins - the calm, collected one with whom we have the best rapport and spent the most time with when we did visit back in the day - was the one who arranged a lot of things and who we hung out with the longest. It really was great to catch up on his life, meet his wife, and get the reasonable version of his mom's illness and manner of dying.

It kind of seems like there's a possibility that future generations could be moving in a much more positive direction than past ones, provided a few things work out. We really are hoping those things work out. Sometimes it's extremely difficult to understand how people think through things and come to a conclusion that's the opposite of what you would conclude, but I guess so long as only the ones making seemingly terrible choices suffer the results of those choices, life feels like it has some fairness to it and you don't mind all the unfair aspects quite so much. (Still, I reserve the right to say, "Really?" to myself as I shake my head in exasperated confusion.)

The funeral service itself was pretty nice and included a military send off. I've been to a few services that include military bits and it always strikes me as a little weird to have a segment that's essentially the glorification of nationalism in the midst of a ceremony for death. I wondered if other countries do that - have speeches and flags and gun salutes for people who were in the military 50 years ago and didn't die as a result of their service - or if it's just the U.S. where you find that. But we need rituals of some sort to help ease us through big things like death, so maybe this is just the result of how a country founded on the concept of separating church and state handles death when there is no single religious ceremony that all attendees can use as a touchstone.

Theoretically, things are back to normal life today, but I'm really suffering from some sort of...I don't know...malaise or ennui or feeling of discontent because while I had a break from work and routine, it wasn't the right kind of break (and it wasn't nearly long enough to work through my I-need-a-vacation issues), so it's almost like I'm worse off than before as respects being able to successfully tell myself to just put my head down and work through it and think about planning a real break later.

It's as if I've had a tiny taste of getting away from home and work and now my brain is obsessed with having a full meal of it, whether that's convenient right now or not. My pre-existing restlessness, added to the thought I have every time I attend a funeral ("don't let time just go by and miss out on living while you can"), is kind of adding up to a recipe of a disaster of the drain-your-retirement-account-and-let-the-future-take-care-of-itself proportions.

So yeah, I really need to get on the vacation brainstorming thing. In the meantime, it would be fantastic if I could just get my brain to cooperate and just stinking concentrate on something for awhile. Pick a lane, brain, pick a lane!


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